PARENTHOOD FOR MEN PART TRES... THE FINALE

As I posted last time, this series is about the failings of my father figures and how we ought to try to avoid these traps.
Here I will give you a little bit of an idea what NOT to do as A dad.

I am now talking about my mom's fourth attempt at providing me with an immediate "father figure" to learn from.

I think I will call this individual "Stepdad".

The sad fact of the matter is that when it came to being a dad he always seemed too judgmental to me, Yes I know ALL teenagers think their dad is too judgmental, but he really did jump to conclusions too easily.
An example of this is one time, after I had moved out of the house and was on my own, I went and dug through the boxes I had stored away with all my old junk and found the Polaroid camera I had received as a birthday gift when I was 16 years old.

When He saw it He got mad, he never explained to me why, I had to find out from my mom but apparently he was upset because he ASSUMED that I had recently bought it and he didn't think I ought to be spending my money on such "frivolous items".
He never asked where it came from, if he ever had it explained to him, and I understand he did, he never apologized for the way he treated me about it.

What was really frustrating about this was, if he was being a fatherly type that would have been ok, if he had put in the time to try and TEACH me anything that would have even been justified to some extent.

But he didn't earn the right to be concerned, He never tried to teach me anything. MAybe he thought I was past being able to learn.

One of the things I DID learn (after I got married) is that when you eneter into a new relationship with someone you CANNOT expect them to have the same learning, values or life experiences as you.
You have to talk, you have to listen and you have to be open to understanding where the other person is coming from. In other words you have to COMMUNICATE.
that is one of the things I wish I had learned from a "dad" but never did, would'a probably made life a LOT easier for my wife and I in our first year.

Fortunately I like to think that our living situation really helped. we were living in a "studio" apartment at the time so we had to communicate we couldn't just walk away from each other.


But I digress...

I still think that "stepdad" had no right to be angry since he never made the effort, as far as I could see, to care about me. And he NEVER tried to teach me any kind of "fiscal responsibility.
If you read my last post you know what Fiscal teaching I had experienced up to that point.
The problem was that it was just assumed by him, that I ought to just KNOW.

I do not know how I should have known since the only kind of budget advice I had ever received up to that point was literally, "make sure you spend it on your truck or your girl."

My stepfather never seemed to take into consideration any of my feelings or emotions and he certainly never asked me, and every time he did something that hurt me, if I tried to bring it up his response was generally dismissive along the lines of it being MY fault.
As in it was MY fault that I was offended, hurt and depressed when he "deliberately" planned a party that eclipsed my birthday.(Remember this would be from a teenagers point of view, it might not have been quite so Deliberate, but it certainly WAS inconsiderate and it left it's scar as a result.)

The declaration was that this was their wedding party (they got married a couple weeks before,) and it was a "welcome home party for his daughter.

But they still called it my birthday party and then invited a bunch of people I didn't know, and when I cornered Him and my mom on it they said
"1 you don't have enough friends that we know to make this a good party, and we wouldn't know any of them anyway,
2 it is also about us getting married and Stepsis coming to be with us and
3 You need to meet new people anyway."

Total disregard for my position... I know this sounds kinda whiny and I am sorry that it does. But this is the kind of thing I was trying to cope with as a teenager. And teens tend to be self-centered.
Instead of realizing this and instead of trying to create a trusting father-son bond he jumped ahead with a plan that left me in a movie theater with a couple of my friends crying for myself (definitely self centered)because "nobody gave a Bleep about me".
The topper was that I was the "inconsiderate one" because I wasn't there to blow out the candles on "my" cake.

Oh the hypocrisy... but back to the point...

Again,I have to point out, The statement I heard loud and clear from "Stepdad" (and mom) was,"This party isn't about YOU, How selfish for you to expect a birthday party on your birthday... this is about your mother and I getting married, this is about "Stepsis" coming to stay, this is about bringing strangers into our home and forcing you to be uncomfortable and unhappy on this day, even though we refuse to do the same with regards to YOUR friends."

But, still, it was MY fault that I was upset and it was my fault that I wasn't there to blow out the candles on "my" cake when it was NOT MY party and He and his invited friends had chased me away in the first place.

See I had to make the effort to get to know his life and his friends but he couldn't be bothered to try to do the same for me.

Anyway the point there is that you have to develop trust and BE a father.
He wanted ME to do all the work while he sat back and got all the Kudos for being an "involved father" of his new wife's teen aged son.

And that attitude continued until the day He drove me away from the family.
Yes that's right, again HE ASSUMED something, and when I didn't know what he was talking about he got angry and literally yelled at me that I was never to call, write or visit him or his wife (my mom) EVER again.( I still am kinda confused but apparently it has something to do with a decision my wife and I had to make about buying a house and a phone call my mom made to me.)

He did this in front of witnesses... I do not make this up.

To this day he will not have anything more to do with me than absolutely necessary.

(not a big surprise... he has apparently done the same thing to his daughter, I recently made contact with her and between what she has to say and what I heard from him and my mom this seems to be all on his side of the coin, and he was estranged from his own,"abusive", father until his dad was literally on his death bed.)

I can sympathize with him about having an abusive father and I can try to understand, if he would give me the chance to, about the issues he has been through, but he won't try.

Really, when I look back at all the male role models I had selected for me, all together too often in every one of the cases I was shown in my memory, I had to be the Adult... whether I was 6 or 16.
That can be wearing on a kid... Worse that can be a heavy burden when you become a husband or father. What we need is Dad's who will be there for their kids and be THE adult man. As a dad you have a BUNCH of responsibilities.

You have to be the one who cares for the child. PERIOD. It is not the child's responsibility to take care of you.

You have the burden of teaching the Child. You are tasked by God to raise that child, it doesn't even matter if it is your child, one you adopted or just one that has been brought into your life by God or "circumstances".
If you are the male role model in the kid's life YOU NEED TO BE THAT ROLE MODEL.

You need to start by developing real trust with the kid/s. this does not mean you are their buddy, you are more than that. This is where you listen,and this is where you teach.
You do what they NEED you to do. There will be times when They will say "I HATE YOU" (ok ok they will scream it not say it) "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU AREN'T EVEN MY REAL FATHER".(That last one is for all the step-dads, adoptive dads, foster dads or "acting" dads out there.)

But in spite of all that YOU are the one who has to do the work.
YOU are the one who WILL BE HURT.

Kids have feelings, they have emotions they have fears and hopes and insecurities, JUST LIKE YOU.But YOU are the adult, YOU are the one they will look to for learning EVEN when it seems they are pushing you aside, You need to help them learn to cope with all they are facing.

They NEED to have a safe place to let off the steam, and it is up to you to provide that place, that is the awesome thing about being a dad.
You want the privilege of being called dad? you want kudos for raising the kid/s? Then you have to put in the work.
This is tough, ESPECIALLY when they are teens.
And even when you are hurt you YES YOU need to let them yell, let it roll off and be an adult loving them and letting them know through your actions and words that you DO love them UNCONDITIONALLY, and you will be there for them.
YOU have to teach them how to communicate so that at least YOU can understand them.
DO NOT expect the kid/s to do this... this is part and parcel of being FIRST an adult and SECOND a dad.

That is the responsibility that comes with the privilege of father hood.