LOVE IS A TIGHTROPE ACT:

I have to tell you that I am not looking forward to having “the talk” with my daughters.
I know, I know… NO parent is looking forward to that; but I have to wonder how many of them have the same reasons as me.

One of the reasons I do not look forward to it is because of what society has done to portray love. Love has become an icky thing, all about emotions and stuff that rather hurts. But I think most people don’t really know what REAL love is all about.

In movies books and on TV we see the idea that love is all about physical infatuation or lust and that when it reaches the scary bits or the parts where we have to work at it we can just throw in the towel and say “this isn’t what I signed up for!” and leave. But that isn’t really love.
Love is abut sacrifice. Love is about caring, love is about putting the needs of the one you love before your own, Love is abut work!

As I have pointed out before this is anathema to today’s society (“think of you think of what you want forget everyone else.”) and to people today (ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME,).

The thing is there are unscrupulous people out there right now who will take that very concept and twist it to their own ends, “If you loved me, you would…”

Sadly they take that which is good and make it bad.

I love my wife and so I do things for her BECAUSE of that love. I deny myself.

Unfortunately I also hate to get hurt so I have learned from her that I need to not ask her to do stuff for me, because if I do she will probably say no, either in words or in actions.
So I have learned not to ask for her to do things for me. And that makes me sad because sometimes it makes me doubt her love for me.

I went through some really tough times as a kid, emotionally, and some of the reasons for that I have already blogged.
But one of the biggest issues I had to confront was about sex. There I said it, it is out there.
My idea of love and sex are occasionally very skewed.
One because of the pervasive attempt by our society to make all things sexual.
Two because of certain people who, during my formative years, attempted to sexualize me before I was ready, while I was still a child (and others who should have stopped it stood by and allowed it).
And Three because of the addictive patterns I developed when I came across some old playboy magazines.

So when the day comes that I have to give my little talk to my girls about the “birds and the bees” I am going to find it hard to NOT superimpose the things I have learned that are wrong. At the same time I need to let them know how LOVE, REAL love enters into the picture.

I suppose that because of my Christianity I have a few fall back positions that will help, because at least in Christianity I have learned that there are several words in Greek that define love and I can use those to tell the girls better what love they ought to be seeking in their relationships and the way that all works, but I still don’t know exactly what I will have to say, and it still makes me nervous.

One thing I will tell you all right now though, love needs to be a two way street, and you need to try to see not only what you can do for others but what they are doing for you.

Sometimes I find it difficult to see when my wife is doing things to show her love. Earlier I said that I cannot ask her to do things for me because the “no’s” hurt, a LOT. And it often seems to me that I am doing more of the heavy lifting for our relationship than she is. Part of that is my own selfishness and my thoughts about me instead of focusing on her and I do not blame her for all those feelings, they are my feelings and I do own them.
But she does try and there are times I can see it. I need to let her know more often that I do appreciate her, and what she does.
But here is my big tip on that issue for you in your life. Be ready to deny yourself, try to understand what your loved one likes or wants and maybe once in a while give that person exactly what they want. Even if that seems a little weird or creepy to you. (like going on a roller coaster, or trying something new NOT TOO NEW in the bedroom. DO NOT TRY THE NEW BEDROOM THING ON THE ROLLER COASTER THOUGH, I mean there ARE laws and decency and quite frankly I don‘t want to see that…)

When they ask for something, don’t make excuses, don’t put them off because they need to know they are loved, and if you do not let them know that then who will? (supposed to be a rhetorical but think about all the people who get a divorce every day).

On the other hand, if you are the one asking, when they can’t give you what you want, don’t go looking for it somewhere else. That is a dangerous road that will lead you straight into trouble. And that is a trouble you do NOT need.