PARENTHOOD

I know that this is supposed to be my "light" blog, but, with father's day on the way it occurs to me to bring up a point that is very near to my heart.
See I believe that being A dad is more than just making a baby.

I feel I am very well qualified to judge on the subject for several reasons.

First on the basis of having been a son.

Second on the fact that I have had Three "dads".

Third, even with the first two qualifications, I feel that I never had a GOOD male role model while growing up.

And Fourth, I am a dad. And what's more in my honest opinion I am doing a fair job (maybe even a good one) in being a dad to my children (at least a better job than was done by the role models I had.)

I have actually classified the different names of a dad.

First, there is a father, this is the guy who gives life. A father helps to "create" the child but there is not much more than that.

Second, you have Dad, a guy who is there when needed, sometimes fun, you can "pal around" as it were, with him.

Third is Daddy, this is a close relationship, daddy is a friend and supporter of you, daddy is who you run to for love and comfort when you are hurt in body or heart.

So, if you are a male parent, which are you? You can be all three or any combination of the three. But you probably do fall under one of these.

My advice today is geared towards fathers but mothers can benefit too.

First take the time to be with you kids.
You need to take the time to show them that they are more important than the video games or T.V. set or the baseball game or work or...
Well I think you get the idea.

Second help them to grow! my male role models never bothered to teach me the simple stuff like how to shave, or how to talk to a girl. (They never even bothered to show me how the things they cared about worked; let alone the things I needed to function in life. I never learned about base ball, cars or football from my dad, let alone Shaving, job hunting, Dating...I had to go out and figure these out on my own.)

Third let them know you love and care about them. None of my Male role models ever saw fit to let me know that I mattered.
The message I got from ALL of them was they were the important one, they were the one that mattered And I was generally little more than a useless blob of tissue taking up space in their presence (or that I was there as their personal servant.)

Out of all of them the best I got was my adoptive father who at least cared enough to adopt me.
The first man, the one who fathered me, told my mom effectively that he wanted nothing to do with me when they divorced.

My adoptive father (or dad from now on.) didn't know how to show love to more than one person at a time. (In fact I was constantly in a state of what is called sibling rivalry with him since he was always fighting with me for my mother's affection.)

As for my Stepfather, well to give him the benefit of the doubt he did have a daughter of his own and a lot of difficulties linked with that, and a REALLY bad relationship with his own father, not to mention his ex-wife.
But still the most memorable thing I got from him was A BUNCH of really LOUSY birthdays.
The first one after he became my stepfather was a party that he decided (probably with my mom's help) needed to be their wedding reception.
Even though they got married weeks before, they chose to celebrate on my birthday.
Making me feel left out because, in the end, the party was for them and their friends, not me.
And I or my feelings Or my birthday didn't matter (My friends were all made to feel unwelcome and they left after spending VERY little time there).

Then there was the Birthday where his grand gift to me was to kick me out of the house. His great contribution to me was to make me homeless.

He might have thought these things were in my best interests but he didn't think it through.
In fact when I finally confronted him and mom about the first example the response I got was "well you didn't have all that many friends and we wanted a good party besides you just need to grow up and learn how to make friends".
The end result though was that I now have an even harder time interacting with people; even the ones I am close to because all I expect is disappointment.
(It is true I have suffered from a mild depression ever since.)
As for my second example... I do not like to talk about it much. Suffice it to say that I was hurt. Badly.

See they were never the kinds of role models I needed. I think I said more here than I intended but maybe it's good to get it off my chest anyway.

Please be a good dad! if you are a single mom I would encourage you to find a good man to be a role model for your child.

What is a good role model?

If you have a son, a good role model is one who will teach the little things to him, shaving, sports, Finances, etc.
If at all possible this should also be a man who shows the boy how to love and care for a wife (When I say love I do not mean have intimacy with, I mean do loving things for, thinking of her needs first).
A Man who will encourage (not push) and support (not name call) the boy.
He shows the boy how to defend himself appropriately.
Someone who will make it unequivocally clear that no matter what the boy does he is loved unconditionally.
And Showing the boy there does not need to be competition for the mother's love.

However if you have A daughter, a good male role model shows her how to expect to be treated by a boy.(WELL)
He will give her the sense of self that allows her to be equal in her relationships.
Again He will encourage (not push) and support (not name call) the girl, he will make it unequivocally clear that no matter what the girl does she is loved Totally and unconditionally.
And he will protect her from the dangers that are out there that are relatively unique to girls. (He can even show her how to defend herself too.)

A positive male role model offers protection to the child (Son or Daughter)A man who will defend the child and child's mother, standing up for what is right.
A man who knows how to control his appetites not becoming addicted or abusive.
And he would also be a man who takes the time to learn about the child he is role modeling for.
He figures out What it is that makes the child tick, He is then ready to teach that child in the way that the child can learn NOT in the way that "father" "knows" how to teach.
(Yes that's right a good father keeps learning and growing putting others first.)

See I had a "Father" who gave me life, then rejected me, I know what that is like.
I had a "dad" who adopted me, but was never a good role model (until after he divorced my mom and the rivalry ended but then he died of cancer a few years later.) I even had a step father. but I never had a daddy.

Please help your child to have a better childhood than I had. Please give your child a daddy.

Love them
Teach them
Show them
Support them
Care for them
and yes, when they get to that point where they are ready to fly the nest, Let them go.
IF you have been a good father, and taught them what they need and given them a solid foundation, THEN they will be able to FLY, and you will be able to stand there and watch them soar like eagles and you can be proud of them and all they will be able to do.
And THAT is the best thing, the best gift you can have when father's day comes around.