Innocence lost

One of the "curses" I have with my work is all the time I get to think.

Last night I was thinking about... well I was getting nostalgic... O.k. O.k. I was maudlin.

I was thinking about the experiences I had as a kid and I seem to remember the world as being a lot more innocent of a place.

Now I will grant that I was a child and I was probably more out of touch with reality than most of my peers, BUT I still think it was a little more innocent of a place to be.

Over the years I have lost a lot of that sense of innocence. This world has been as hard on me as anyone else.

but what I miss more than my innocence is the stuff that kinda filled me even when the innocence was gone.

I miss my dreams and hopes.

Once I dreamed of being a hero to someone. I wanted to be able to look into someone's eyes and see... Admiration, adoration even. I wanted to see that I was looked up to.

I Dreamed of being a police officer. I thought that might be ideal. People count on the police to be there and protect them. (at least that is what I did)
But with the loss of my innocence I found out that no one else even cared, some people even act as if they hate the police.

I became a Scout leader. I hoped to be able to show kids how to be better, grow better...
but today's kids don't want to be better they want to idolize Hellboy or some other "not quite so bad" demonic character (by not quite so bad I mean one who is portrayed as "not as evil as the others of his kind".)

I became a soldier so I could defend my country and all it stood for. But nobody in this country cares about what the country stands for anymore, In fact they seem to want to destroy everything that men have fought for in the past.

I wanted to save people but they didn't want to be saved. I wanted to inspire but everyone is too jaded, I wanted to protect but everybody wants to endanger themselves.

I know now how Mr. Incredible must feel.

Except I never was a hero at all. I am just a washed out, washed up guy. I never got to be a hero and it looks like I never will be one.

Apparently Life is just passing me by. All my hopes and dreams are gone. I wanted to be someone! now I won;'t even get to be a has been, I will always be a never was.

Maybe this is the proof I need that I should stop working nights all alone. at least when others are around I don't have to think about how much of a waste this seems to be.